Thing 2
There it was. Two pink lines. I was in shock. You see, I'm not one of those people who really feels
pregnant. The only indication I had was I had to pee... a lot. I
suppose there was also the missed period. No morning sickness, no
exhaustion, no soreness. Eventually, I get some of those, but not at
the beginning. So there I stood in our bathroom just staring at those
two pink lines in disbelief. I wasn't sure how I should feel, but at
that moment I felt like I was having an out of body experience. I
couldn't believe that God would bless us with a second miracle so
quickly. I wanted to be excited and I was, but this time it was different. I couldn't tell you why, it just felt different.
Joshua obviously knew, but I also told Amie. I didn't know why at the time, but I felt I just had to tell her. As expected she was very excited for us! Little did I know what God was already working on through that one little text.
Over the next week and a half I kept waiting for those other symptoms. They never came. To be honest I didn't really expect them to. It's like I just knew. Late the evening of January 27th was my first clue. It's funny how a cold tile floor isn't that cold when you feel like your heart is breaking into a million pieces. By the morning I knew. My baby was with Jesus. In a lot of ways it feels unfair. Why? I did everything I was supposed to. Why did He need my baby? He could have taken a baby that needed Him! In all that silence all I heard over and over... "Not your will, but mine." "Trust me." It didn't stop the tears. It definitely doesn't stop the pain.
It's funny how sometimes the happiest things in life can become the saddest as well. All the what ifs and should haves. It's even harder when it's not something you could have even changed. In my head I know God loves me, He knew this would happen. He has blessed me with the people I needed the most. Some of those are related by blood and some are not. Amie is the best non sister a girl could ever be blessed with. I'm telling you, the best. She came and picked me up and took me to the Dr. As I sat in shock at what was happening. She took care of my sweet girl and did what any great friend would. She was just there. I somehow managed to make it in and out of the Dr. office without crying. I don't really know how, since all I had done since waking up was cry.
I wanted to be angry, but I wasn't. I was heartbroken and I wasn't sure how I was going to survive but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't be angry. Because in all of the sadness that day, He gave me glimpses of all the blessings in my life! A mother-in-law willing to drop everything and come over to just be here. A husband who knew just what to do, and when. A beautiful, healthy, little girl. A warm house to live in and enjoy watching the snow fall. Dinner for my family from the best friend ever, when I couldn't even think about taking care of myself. The timing of everything was perfect too, if you can call timing in a tragedy good. It was clear God had my back even if I was questioning His plan for our family.
You know how people always point out the good in situations that could have ended badly? It's easy to see God working when things go your way. It's not always easy to see God working when tragedy strikes. In the past 24 hours I have experienced more "God" moments than I think I've ever had in my short lifetime. Remember how I just had to tell Amie. Well I almost didn't. I typed up the message, hesitated, almost deleted it, and then... "Just send it." I hit send. I almost immediately questioned if I did the right thing. Why was I so concerned? I'd been pregnant before and had a textbook pregnancy. Never even the slightest problem. There was no reason I shouldn't be telling the whole world. On the other end of that message Amie's heart immediately told her "This one is not meant for earth, be there for her." What?!? That had to have been God. When I questioned why I wasn't having more symptoms she heard it again. She wanted to tell me but how on earth do you tell someone you love something like that?
This by no means takes away the pain I am going through. The emptiness I feel when I think about losing my baby. It is however comforting to know that from the very beginning God was looking out for me. He knew this would happen. He allowed it to. He strategically placed Amie in my life and gave her life experiences that would help me. I don't think I will ever fully understand why God lets things like this happen, at least not this side of heaven. I sure do have lots of questions for Him. For now, I am comforted knowing my baby whose life barely started, got to go straight to the arms of Jesus without experiencing the brokenness of this world. We all should be so blessed.
The silver lining in all of this? Joshua's Grampy died 15 years ago on the 27th. He left such a legacy here on earth and I often wonder what he would have been like with Shiloh. So maybe Jesus didn't need our baby, maybe Jesus just knew Grampy needed a great grandchild to snuggle. Maybe our baby was even a girl, Grampy always had a soft spot for little girls. <3
Joshua obviously knew, but I also told Amie. I didn't know why at the time, but I felt I just had to tell her. As expected she was very excited for us! Little did I know what God was already working on through that one little text.
Over the next week and a half I kept waiting for those other symptoms. They never came. To be honest I didn't really expect them to. It's like I just knew. Late the evening of January 27th was my first clue. It's funny how a cold tile floor isn't that cold when you feel like your heart is breaking into a million pieces. By the morning I knew. My baby was with Jesus. In a lot of ways it feels unfair. Why? I did everything I was supposed to. Why did He need my baby? He could have taken a baby that needed Him! In all that silence all I heard over and over... "Not your will, but mine." "Trust me." It didn't stop the tears. It definitely doesn't stop the pain.
It's funny how sometimes the happiest things in life can become the saddest as well. All the what ifs and should haves. It's even harder when it's not something you could have even changed. In my head I know God loves me, He knew this would happen. He has blessed me with the people I needed the most. Some of those are related by blood and some are not. Amie is the best non sister a girl could ever be blessed with. I'm telling you, the best. She came and picked me up and took me to the Dr. As I sat in shock at what was happening. She took care of my sweet girl and did what any great friend would. She was just there. I somehow managed to make it in and out of the Dr. office without crying. I don't really know how, since all I had done since waking up was cry.
I wanted to be angry, but I wasn't. I was heartbroken and I wasn't sure how I was going to survive but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't be angry. Because in all of the sadness that day, He gave me glimpses of all the blessings in my life! A mother-in-law willing to drop everything and come over to just be here. A husband who knew just what to do, and when. A beautiful, healthy, little girl. A warm house to live in and enjoy watching the snow fall. Dinner for my family from the best friend ever, when I couldn't even think about taking care of myself. The timing of everything was perfect too, if you can call timing in a tragedy good. It was clear God had my back even if I was questioning His plan for our family.
You know how people always point out the good in situations that could have ended badly? It's easy to see God working when things go your way. It's not always easy to see God working when tragedy strikes. In the past 24 hours I have experienced more "God" moments than I think I've ever had in my short lifetime. Remember how I just had to tell Amie. Well I almost didn't. I typed up the message, hesitated, almost deleted it, and then... "Just send it." I hit send. I almost immediately questioned if I did the right thing. Why was I so concerned? I'd been pregnant before and had a textbook pregnancy. Never even the slightest problem. There was no reason I shouldn't be telling the whole world. On the other end of that message Amie's heart immediately told her "This one is not meant for earth, be there for her." What?!? That had to have been God. When I questioned why I wasn't having more symptoms she heard it again. She wanted to tell me but how on earth do you tell someone you love something like that?
This by no means takes away the pain I am going through. The emptiness I feel when I think about losing my baby. It is however comforting to know that from the very beginning God was looking out for me. He knew this would happen. He allowed it to. He strategically placed Amie in my life and gave her life experiences that would help me. I don't think I will ever fully understand why God lets things like this happen, at least not this side of heaven. I sure do have lots of questions for Him. For now, I am comforted knowing my baby whose life barely started, got to go straight to the arms of Jesus without experiencing the brokenness of this world. We all should be so blessed.
The silver lining in all of this? Joshua's Grampy died 15 years ago on the 27th. He left such a legacy here on earth and I often wonder what he would have been like with Shiloh. So maybe Jesus didn't need our baby, maybe Jesus just knew Grampy needed a great grandchild to snuggle. Maybe our baby was even a girl, Grampy always had a soft spot for little girls. <3
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
~Psalm 139:13-16
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