Broken Prayers
I sat and stared at her in disbelief. "I'm sorry but you do have Ulcerative Colitis..." My brain wouldn't catch up to her words. Not 3 days earlier I had a colonoscopy and the Dr. came in afterward and told me how healthy and awesome my colon looked. I mean I know it hasn't felt that way, but it was reassuring to hear those words. I'd rather not have a serious autoimmune disease. As my brain caught up, I struggled with words as I tried to process what this would mean. The tears didn't take long to show up.
Life has been so overwhelming lately. Shiloh's hip has been enough to try and keep up with and now I was sitting here in her office with a new label attached to my chart and more importantly my life. Out tumbled all the millions of questions I could even think up in that moment. She had a plan to fight this and put it in remission. I listened in somewhat of a haze as my mind wandered to what this would mean long term. She said the disease wasn't visible and in the super early stages. That means it should theoretically be easier to treat. Ok, we will try this medication and see if it works. If not we will try something else. I left hopeful for kicking this thing in the booty... Literally.
After 3 weeks my symptoms had improved but not totally gone away so onto medication number 2. This one kicked in quick. After about 3 days I started to notice a significant improvement in my symptoms. By day 4 I had weird heartburn and couldn't take deep breaths without them hurting. On day 5 I called my doctor thinking I was paranoid. On day 6 they called back, I was quickly told to stop my meds and I would hear back soon. Well turns out I had a super rare cardiovascular reaction to the meds. They really don't like it when you say you can't breath, apparently that's important. I essentially experienced heart attack symptoms. I don't recommend that.
New meds, a yogurt maker, some lactose free cheese, smoothies everyday because I hate yogurt. A phone call with someone who gets what it's like to live with this invisible disease... More tears. Grieving the loss of a life I had, for one that now includes a forever diagnosis is tough. There are so many emotions to process and work through. I joined a UC Support group online and left 2 days later. I realized that even though this is beyond hard some days my symptoms are minor in comparison to others. So I choose to focus on the positives and that includes not obsessing over what could be and being thankful for what is.
I'm on a new set of meds now. So number 4 if you are keeping track. I've never had to take daily medication like this, and as much as I hate it I also know it's what is best for me. So far it doesn't make me feel like I'm dying so that is good. I'm hopeful this "new" plan for getting me healthy will work but really only time will provide answers to if it truly will work. In the meantime I'm rolling in all the Kroger gas points from being a walking pharmacy.
God knew this would be a part of my story one day, and while I have had moments of questioning His plan for my life, and being angry, He has never failed me yet. I know He will give me the strength and support to face this new reality, and use it for His glory. Meanwhile, I rest easy knowing He loves me even through all my broken prayers these days.
Broken Prayers
But you're not afraid of all the things I feel
So why am I afraid of being real?
You want my tears, every messy word
Every scar and every fear
You want all I have
With no holding back
When I'm hurt, at my worst
You meet me there
'Cause you see the beauty
In my broken prayers
Life has been so overwhelming lately. Shiloh's hip has been enough to try and keep up with and now I was sitting here in her office with a new label attached to my chart and more importantly my life. Out tumbled all the millions of questions I could even think up in that moment. She had a plan to fight this and put it in remission. I listened in somewhat of a haze as my mind wandered to what this would mean long term. She said the disease wasn't visible and in the super early stages. That means it should theoretically be easier to treat. Ok, we will try this medication and see if it works. If not we will try something else. I left hopeful for kicking this thing in the booty... Literally.
After 3 weeks my symptoms had improved but not totally gone away so onto medication number 2. This one kicked in quick. After about 3 days I started to notice a significant improvement in my symptoms. By day 4 I had weird heartburn and couldn't take deep breaths without them hurting. On day 5 I called my doctor thinking I was paranoid. On day 6 they called back, I was quickly told to stop my meds and I would hear back soon. Well turns out I had a super rare cardiovascular reaction to the meds. They really don't like it when you say you can't breath, apparently that's important. I essentially experienced heart attack symptoms. I don't recommend that.
New meds, a yogurt maker, some lactose free cheese, smoothies everyday because I hate yogurt. A phone call with someone who gets what it's like to live with this invisible disease... More tears. Grieving the loss of a life I had, for one that now includes a forever diagnosis is tough. There are so many emotions to process and work through. I joined a UC Support group online and left 2 days later. I realized that even though this is beyond hard some days my symptoms are minor in comparison to others. So I choose to focus on the positives and that includes not obsessing over what could be and being thankful for what is.
I'm on a new set of meds now. So number 4 if you are keeping track. I've never had to take daily medication like this, and as much as I hate it I also know it's what is best for me. So far it doesn't make me feel like I'm dying so that is good. I'm hopeful this "new" plan for getting me healthy will work but really only time will provide answers to if it truly will work. In the meantime I'm rolling in all the Kroger gas points from being a walking pharmacy.
God knew this would be a part of my story one day, and while I have had moments of questioning His plan for my life, and being angry, He has never failed me yet. I know He will give me the strength and support to face this new reality, and use it for His glory. Meanwhile, I rest easy knowing He loves me even through all my broken prayers these days.
Broken Prayers
But you're not afraid of all the things I feel
So why am I afraid of being real?
You want my tears, every messy word
Every scar and every fear
You want all I have
With no holding back
When I'm hurt, at my worst
You meet me there
'Cause you see the beauty
In my broken prayers
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” - Joshua 1:9
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