That Time God Reminded Me I'm Not In Control
Roughly two weeks ago I learned my wonderful OBGYN, whom I adore, is leaving. Once again, I found out through my sister-in-law, Rose. She is such a wonderful blessing in my life for so many reasons. This is just one. While this news was devastating, and made me angry, and then question God what He was thinking, I truly believe it's a blessing in disguise. For some reason it seems God really enjoys doing things that way. Man, it's super infuriating!
As I hinted at, this has happened before. My original OB with Shiloh left midway through my pregnancy. So when I selected a brand new one, I figured I was good. She was a dream during the last half of my pregnancy with Shiloh. Even though I was frustrated with having to select a new doctor, it really was a blessing in the end. I ended up with a wonderful experience, which I wouldn't trade for the world. She was there during my miscarriage, and also delivered my cute little nephew. She has very quickly become like a part of our family. So this time around when I heard she was leaving, I wasn't the calm and collected person I was before.
First I was shocked. Then I was frustrated. Next came the tears. Finally I was angry. Why? After all I had been through did these things have to happen to me. It seemed like most other people select an OB and have no issues during their pregnancy. Just a few weeks earlier my favorite nurse left, I was starting to feel like I was somehow causing this to happen. Then came the if only, or what ifs. What if I didn't have a miscarriage? I'd be due in two weeks. This wouldn't even be a problem...
Quietly, God reminded me that He has a plan. There are so many women who would give anything to be in my shoes. Here I was with a healthy baby on the way, and I am whining about finding a new doctor. I immediately thought of our little boy and the meaning of his name, "The Lord is good." It means so much to me for so many reasons but this just added to it. How can I select a name for our baby boy with so much meaning behind it and question God's plan for his arrival? God knew this would happen. It wasn't a surprise. So while I was questioning the why part in all of this, I slowly began to see why God might let this happen.
What if this was God's way of protecting me from something bigger? What if I went into labor, and my OB was out of town, and I was left with someone I wasn't at all comfortable with? It's very important to be able to trust the doctors and nurses around you. If that is the only reason this happened then it's worth it. So with very little enthusiasm, I began looking into other options. I asked friends, family and my OB who they would recommend. I prayed constantly, and as each day passed, I felt more and more like I needed to switch practices. By the end of my latest appointment it was clear, Joshua didn't even have a question. After speaking with my OB we really felt that leaving was the best decision. She won't be here when I deliver, and with our other options there, we weren't comfortable. Even though she will still be there for several weeks, it's best for us to go elsewhere to get to know whoever will deliver our baby boy. It sure doesn't make leaving such a wonderful place with such amazing memories any easier, but for now I am choosing to trust God and remember I can't control this. I need to let go and trust God to take care of our little family. He really does know best.
As I drove away feeling sad, I started to cry (those darn hormones!) This song came on the radio that just made me weep, and know that God really is present, and actively looking out for my best interest. I just love when God uses something simple like the radio to speak to us.
God My God, I cry out
your beloved needs you now
God be near, calm my fear
and take my doubt
your kindness is what pulls me up,
your love is all that draws me in
I will lift my eyes
to the maker, of the mountains
I can't climb
I will lift my eyes
to calmer, of the oceans
raging wild
I will lift my eyes
to the healer, of the hurt
I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to you
Believing in God is the easy part, it's trusting Him that is hard. I am learning this once again.
As I hinted at, this has happened before. My original OB with Shiloh left midway through my pregnancy. So when I selected a brand new one, I figured I was good. She was a dream during the last half of my pregnancy with Shiloh. Even though I was frustrated with having to select a new doctor, it really was a blessing in the end. I ended up with a wonderful experience, which I wouldn't trade for the world. She was there during my miscarriage, and also delivered my cute little nephew. She has very quickly become like a part of our family. So this time around when I heard she was leaving, I wasn't the calm and collected person I was before.
First I was shocked. Then I was frustrated. Next came the tears. Finally I was angry. Why? After all I had been through did these things have to happen to me. It seemed like most other people select an OB and have no issues during their pregnancy. Just a few weeks earlier my favorite nurse left, I was starting to feel like I was somehow causing this to happen. Then came the if only, or what ifs. What if I didn't have a miscarriage? I'd be due in two weeks. This wouldn't even be a problem...
Quietly, God reminded me that He has a plan. There are so many women who would give anything to be in my shoes. Here I was with a healthy baby on the way, and I am whining about finding a new doctor. I immediately thought of our little boy and the meaning of his name, "The Lord is good." It means so much to me for so many reasons but this just added to it. How can I select a name for our baby boy with so much meaning behind it and question God's plan for his arrival? God knew this would happen. It wasn't a surprise. So while I was questioning the why part in all of this, I slowly began to see why God might let this happen.
What if this was God's way of protecting me from something bigger? What if I went into labor, and my OB was out of town, and I was left with someone I wasn't at all comfortable with? It's very important to be able to trust the doctors and nurses around you. If that is the only reason this happened then it's worth it. So with very little enthusiasm, I began looking into other options. I asked friends, family and my OB who they would recommend. I prayed constantly, and as each day passed, I felt more and more like I needed to switch practices. By the end of my latest appointment it was clear, Joshua didn't even have a question. After speaking with my OB we really felt that leaving was the best decision. She won't be here when I deliver, and with our other options there, we weren't comfortable. Even though she will still be there for several weeks, it's best for us to go elsewhere to get to know whoever will deliver our baby boy. It sure doesn't make leaving such a wonderful place with such amazing memories any easier, but for now I am choosing to trust God and remember I can't control this. I need to let go and trust God to take care of our little family. He really does know best.
As I drove away feeling sad, I started to cry (those darn hormones!) This song came on the radio that just made me weep, and know that God really is present, and actively looking out for my best interest. I just love when God uses something simple like the radio to speak to us.
God My God, I cry out
your beloved needs you now
God be near, calm my fear
and take my doubt
your kindness is what pulls me up,
your love is all that draws me in
I will lift my eyes
to the maker, of the mountains
I can't climb
I will lift my eyes
to calmer, of the oceans
raging wild
I will lift my eyes
to the healer, of the hurt
I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to you
Believing in God is the easy part, it's trusting Him that is hard. I am learning this once again.
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